emilie_rainbow: (camera)
Things I want to Do
+ Go to a Full Moon Party on Koh Pha Ngan in Thailand
+ Party party in New Orleans
+ Go to Japan with Jessi for ~2 weeks
+ Go to a Bath Party in Budapest
+ Do a Southern Road Trip
+ Follow multiples dates of Porter's next tour
+ Have a Girl's Weekend in Vegas
+ Travel alone
+ Take a cruise
+ Throw a big party
emilie_rainbow: (alone)
Oh, livejournal. You are still a wonderful repository for stories I want to tell but feel like they'd be a burden if I shared them with someone directly so I spill them in a public space I'm 99.8% sure no one looks at anymore. It still somehow feels better than my private journal.

Things are getting to be too much again, and I'm tempted to say "I don't know why" but that's not true. I'm working two jobs, even if it's not a ton of hours. I'm taking a grad school class after being out of school for six years. I'm in the final stages of planning a medium but still pretty big wedding. I'm running my first big event semi-solo at the library. My final papers, Comic Book Day, and wedding all fall within a few weeks of each other. It's a lot. I know other people do as much if not more, but for the way I was built this is a lot and it's starting to be too much. I'm starting to want to hide, to stay home and sleep, watch too much netflix, conserve all my energy and avoid the things that are sapping it. It also doesn't help that I managed to catch a bad cold that kept me in bed for most of last week. I could feel the build up towards it being too much and I ignored it. You'd think I'd have learned by now that I have to tone it down sooner rather than later, but I always pick a date that's just a little too far away, shortly after the slide towards being overwhelmed has gone too far.

So now I want to quit one of my jobs. I won't, but I want to. Because that's what I do when I get overwhelmed, I check out. I don't get the positive feelings from this job that I used to get, so I want to leave. It's still fine. I still make fairly good money, it's easy, the schedule is flexible, it's good for my resume, but I don't LOVE it as much anymore and with the clouds it gets hard. I have to plan a weekly storytime, which the storytime itself is really the highlight of my job, but planning it is such a hassle when you're not inspired. It also doesn't help that it's toddlers, who are just monsters. Your storytime could be immaculately planned, and if they didn't sleep well or there are too many birds outside or the moon is full or ANYTHING, you just lose everything. They end up screaming and fighting and running circles around the room instead of paying attention. You think you have them figured out, how to time certain songs and activities, but I s2g it's completely random. And while I LOVE the teen center job, it took away my afternoons with the kids and that's when you get the most interaction, which is what I live off of. I like the quiet library work, I couldn't do something that was ALL interaction, I tried and it overwhelmed me, but I'm doing MOSTLY quiet library work aside from storytime and it's just not as fulfilling.

I think what I'm most worried about is that, with school, I don't really see this ending. Comic Book Day will be over, the wedding will be over, but I'm going to be taking 2 classes instead of just one going forward so I'm just replacing that stress and time with something else. I managed three classes + 12 hours of work in college, but managing 2 classes + 25ish hours feels like a lot more. And I have to take summer school so there's no end for the NEXT THREE YEARS. I was DONE. I was working and it was fine, and now I have all this back on my plate for three years. How am I supposed to do that? I could work less and rely on loans more, but I'm already pretty far in debt and while librarianship will cancel out my loans in ten years, that's IF they maintain the public service loan forgiveness program.

I want to say I shouldn't have started school, or I shouldn't have taken on Comic Book Day, or I should've pushed the wedding to a later date, but none of those were REALLY an option, so I can't beat myself up over it. It's just hard. It's just a lot. And it feels like I should've known better and I should've built a more caring routine, but I HAD a good routine...life just needed to move forward and I, as I too often do, did a lot all at once instead of adding one small thing at a time. And now here I am. Avoiding everything and writing on livejournal at work because I feel like I can't handle anything else.
emilie_rainbow: (camera)

Today is my second day at the Burlingame library. It's weird doing straight page work; it's what I did all through college, and it feels like a step backwards even though I know it isn't. There are middle age lady pages, girls and guys my age, some old ladies. It's just entry level, and I guess I don't really feel entry level. But it's like my 3.5 years in college don't matter anymore, they're too long ago. Now it's just that I've been at Redwood City for 7 months. Which entitles me to the high pay (for a page) but not any of the juicy work. I have no idea what the qualifications for an assistant are at this point honestly. Like, a lot of the assistants are older people who must have years of related work experience, but not all of them are. Like Jeremy's friend Gab! He didn't even go to college, how did he land the job I'm coveting? Ugh. Just have to keep applying and racking up these years of experience points I guess. Hopefully being in library school will help too?? Who knows.

Library school is funhard. Like, our project this quarter, on top of regular essays and reading, is to compile a database of 50 entries, 35 of which have to be books. So we have to read at least 35 YA books, plus our textbooks, and then summarize and write short critiques about why they deserve to be in our collection. Fun right? But so much in such a short span. And we're mostly being judged on our diversity of subjects, so I can't just write up the 1,001 vampire romance novels I've read. It's a really fun project, but it's a little daunting to do in a month and a half. Especially because this is something I WANT to do and think is important, so I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to be genuinely diverse. #weneedsiversebooks and all that. Mostly I'm having a hard time coming up with books that have male protags. I don't want to read about boys, ugh.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

emilie_rainbow: (lost girl)
List
1. Repaint the car, probably shiny dark green.
2. Buy nice matching bookshelves
3. Build a container pond
4. Buy another chair
5. Take a week of work for self-care

That's the expensive stuff, anyway. I'm having a bit of a pinterest wife moment where I just want to DiY EVERYTHING.
emilie_rainbow: (camera)

I've been back three weeks now. I have a job that I really like taking care of 3-5 year olds all day. I'm moving in to a very nice apartment with room for balcony gardening and a big enough kitchen to actually cook in. I've been able to spend all of my time with Jeremy or my family, while still getting one evening a week to myself. Japan feels like a dream. But then, so does this. It's like...I exist in this unfeeling bubble. I am calm. I feel sometimes. But not in my usual depth. Which is good because I used to feel way too much. But it's bad because it feels so blank. I dunno.

I'm hoping once things get settled it will come back. But this is sort of how it was in Japan, I just didn't notice because there weren't a lot of things in my life that should've made me feel strongly. Japan was a healing rest, but you can only rest for so long and I want to be emotionally active again. It's weird to complain (am I complaining?) about this since it's the opposite of my normal problem.

The one bright spot is work. I never in a million years thought that child care was gonna be it for me but damn if I don't love it. I get to hold hands and cuddle with babies every day. Yes, sometimes they're snotty (literally) or lick me or I have to clean up an accident, but they're ridiculous laughs and hugs and "miss chelsea, watch what I can do!!" makes up for it. The only things I genuinely don't like have more to do with my particular school than the job. We never seem to have enough teachers on a given day, which can lead to a stressful atmosphere. I can't dye my hair bright colors (despite the fact that the kids LOVE my pink streak). I have to keep any future more obvious tattoos covered. There are some tensions between classrooms. But they've encouraged me to bring in activities to present in circle. I get to sit and help kids figure out numbers and letters and read about science. They're constantly singing Frozen (horribly). And there's just something about being called "Teacher Miss Chelsea", I dunno.

Blues

Dec. 1st, 2013 10:54 pm

Times like this are why I'm not good at being single. I'm not a very social person. I have a certain amount of social energy, but it gets spent fairly quickly and then I need to hang out at my house in my safe space for a long time. But I still get lonely. Having a partner (this space is usually and most easily filled by a boyfriend, but can be filled by a very good friend) allows me to relax in the company of someone else, thus both recharging my social batteries AND keeping me from being lonely. But I have to have a very special, and difficult to attain, bond with that person. Only a handful in my life have fulfilled that role.

Japan is a very social place. It's weird, because the culture is very introverted. I can actually walk around in extremely crowded places and not feel overwhelmed or stressed because everyone is so closed off. BUT the eikaiwa bubble is very social. And I've LOVED it. I never did the college, everyone kind of knows everyone and parties together all the time thing. I've never had that experience, and the ECC bubble is definitely that kind of thing. But after 9 months of mostly/entirely that kind of BIG socializing...I'm tired. I just want someone to hang out and marathon a TV show with me or go to the movies or sit next to me while we both go on the Internet. And I do have those friends here, sort of, but one is a boy with a girlfriend so there are some toes I have to be careful of stepping on, and the other has been very busy for at least the past month. So I'm lonely. But I hate going to social events. Because I don't want EVENTS. I want to just hang out.

And that is why I'm bad at being single. My life plan, if I were to not marry, was always to live in one of my best friends' backyards and have them tell their children I am a fairy witch aunt who is very wise. Because then I can be close without being too close. Alone without being lonely.

Right now I'm surrounded by people. But I'm kinda lonely.

I want

Aug. 28th, 2013 10:24 pm
emilie_rainbow: (lost girl)
I want to: get my nose pierced and wear a ring, not a stud. Get my nipples pierced. Get more tattoos, especially on my thighs, back and possibly tummy. Go to a massive rave, like EDC or anything by Insomniac really. Grow vegetables. Meditate more often. Make kawaii friends in Japan. Go home. Go outside more, now that it's FINALLY "cooled down" (IE 80 instead of 100).

I am succeeding at: eating more vegetables. Watching more anime. Saving money. Drinking less alcohol. Managing my anxiety. Exercising more often. Relaxing. Reading more. Keeping my apartment clean (for now...).

I am failing at: continuing being social. Taking enough pictures. Curing my anxiety. Not feeling bad about the weight I've gained 50%ish of the time. Waking up early. Going to bed at a reasonable hour.
emilie_rainbow: (camera)

I've gained about 12 pounds since I moved here. This is by no means a lot, but with the 6 pounds I gained in the two months before coming here and the 15 pound deficit I'd been trying to recover from after the break up, my body feels really different. I think it's all the alcohol, and the happiness. When I'm not an anxious mess a majority of the time, it's a lot easier to eat. And with the disturbing dearth of vegetables in this country, the carbs and the liquor and the sodas add up, even though I'm also in better shape than ever due to the immense number of stairs. "Better shape" of course just means that I can walk up all the stupid stairs, at least without getting completely winded. I feel filled out. I feel womanly. I feel more solid and less like I will break easily.

I love teaching. I love love teaching very small children. 4-6 is my favorite, then 1.5-3. Older than 6 are really hit and miss. Some days those classes are great, others are frustrating. Although never dull. Adult classes are often dull. I think I may want to teach preschool when I get back. Which would have been an absolutely HORRIFYING concept to me 6 months ago. But I feel energized and happy after my kids classes. Even when they don't listen, even when they cry or hand me flash cards they've put in their mouths or high five me after picking their noses, I still feel so pleased after my classes.

Tokyo in general is still also quite pleasant, although admittedly less so. I was really certain I wanted to stay another year, but now I am significantly less so, to the point if being pretty certain I DON'T want to stay. The summer so far has been a murderous 90+ and humid. I'm already a bit tired of the stares and wearing business clothes to teach and feeling rude eating in the street. But mostly I miss The Bay and my friends and Jeremy.

He's done a complete 180. He's in recovery, he's in therapy, he's gotten a significant promotion at his job, he's volunteering, and best of all...he wants to get married. In the next 2 years. And have babies as soon as we're financially able. I can't even begin to describe how good all that feels. It feels like all my dreams coming true. Like senpai finally noticed me. Like my life has finally become the romantic comedy every little girl secretly wants her life to be. It also feels too good to be true, so I am doing my best to be wary, but it's difficult.

Sukriti just came to visit and did not love Tokyo, but having her here and deciding mostly for sure that I'm not doing a second year has made me realize just how much I DO love this country and how much I need to appreciate and make the most of my time here. Festivals and fireworks and booze cruises and day trips here I come.

I want

May. 14th, 2013 10:05 pm

I want a corgi, pug, and Maltese army, with a goofy pit bull that tries to play but is too big and silly.

I want a Pygmy goat and a rabbit.

I want a house with a big enough yard that I can have a rabbit and a goat and four dogs.

I want to grind to dubstep in my wedding dress and be so deliriously happy that I do not care at all that my family is watching.

I want Jeremy to move to Japan next year.

I want to live in a cute little apartment with him and be kinda housewifey and go for walks and sit in parks and go on trips to hot springs.

I want to get laid before I see Jeremy again and my feelings make me not want to have sex with anyone else.

I want to start exercising again.

I want to start cooking more.

I want to start gardening.

I want to start a sex blog and a fashion blog.

I want to go dancing to music I actually like and feel like the fucking HBIC sex goddess good music makes me feel like.

I want to go to Shambhala in Canada or Electric Forest in Michigan, or any rave/festival where they make a forest into an electric neon wonderland.

I think I might want to be a school librarian. Maybe.

I want to be a mom. Someday.

I want to go to south east Asia.

I want to go to Eastern Europe.

I want to go to the UK with Bill and Rich so they can take me to a proper wharehouse party.

I want to dye my hair again.

I want to wear heels more often.

I miss: the beach, redwoods, Mexican food, having sex regularly, going on dates, my friends, diners, knowing what to order at restaurants, not being functionally illiterate, having my own space, the mountains, stars, California weather, ranch dressing, pink hair, not wearing a suit, my family, raves,mmj, everyone being queer...

I love: feeling safe at every time of day, late night ramen & udon, cherry blossoms, the drinking culture, izakaya food, silly Japanese drunks, helping people learn English, Japanese children, Japanese dogs, shopping, renkon, trains, being able to get anywhere easily, karaoke with bunches of people, my coworkers, the cleanliness, the way some people just LOVE foreigners, having a job, 100 yen stores, vending machine restaurants, Harajuku, temples & shrines, plum wine (umeshu), tiny perfect tomatoes, my hairdryer, wearing heels to work, tuna mayo onigiri...
I just walked home in the rain with the girls from upstairs. Clacking down a big hill in my black heels struggling with my umbrella was not fun, but it was completely worth the night and all those preceding it. Tomorrow is my first day of work, and I spent tonight drinking at a "British pub" and an izakaya with fellow teachers and personnel (aka our bosses), discussing how teaching isn't that hard once you get started and isn't that Alex fellow just so dreamy and kissing a boy who leaves for a town about an hour and a half away tomorrow. Yesterday was an at home relaxing waste of a day, but the day previous I did much the same, but stayed out until 5:30am and walked home in the quiet hours as the sun came up. I drank probably twice as much, hit on Mr. Silver Fox and was graciously rejected but praised by my coworkers for my balls, had my hair described as "fabulous" by a trainer who just got more and more flamboyant as the evening went on, made out in a friend's hotel room bathroom (with Mr. Leaving Tomorrow), and then trudged home with my Kids' Class Trainer and a few others in tow.

Tokyo is debauchery. Tokyo is kissing and nothing coming of it but smiles and a vague loneliness. Tokyo is new people and solitude. Tokyo is strange weather. Tokyo is amazing.

Lonely

Feb. 27th, 2013 03:32 pm
emilie_rainbow: (alone)

Today is my third full day in Japan, and the first one I've felt lonely in a homesick way. Part of that is having spent a lot of time with one of the girls who lives in my building over the past two days, but it's also just like facing that I LIVE here now. For a year. This isn't a short jaunt, this isn't studying abroad, I live and work in Japan.

They play Ke$ha and Green Day a lot. I like it, but it makes me homesick. I want to buy all the clothes, but I can't because I have to pay rent and buy food and I don't have a "trip budget", I just have paychecks which I won't start getting til APRIL. There are a lot of clothes I'd like to buy for Jeremy, but we're not talking until he is demonstrably better, which goodness only knows when that will be. I DON'T like my apartment, which sucks. It's on the most convenient but also crowded train line, it's close to my favorite districts but a far walk from necessities, it's old and grungy and I'm doing my best to make it cute but there's only so much one can do. I have to wear sandals in the shower and I don't feel like I have space to myself, even though my room at least is private. The people who live there are nice, but social which I am just not. I like being invited to things, but I will turn down at least 50% of all invitations because I would rather walk around alone or sit in my room and watch Supernatural.

I'm actually really happy, I'm just starting to get a touch homesick. I know not talking to Jeremy is better than talking to him right now because he can't always hear "I'm sad and lonely" without telling me to buck up in a way that HE thinks is helpful but actually makes me feel bad for feeling that way in the first place. And I feel bad enough about being sad but...it would be nice to talk to him. I dunno. I'm doing okay, overall. I think I just tired myself out.

metaphor

Jan. 10th, 2013 09:27 pm
The other day, Jeremy texted me a picture of my favorite candy (chocolate covered gummy bears aka muddy bears) with the text, "Look what I got you! :)" to which I replied "Aww, thanks!" because that's adorable, he bought me my favorite candy!

When I see him next, I ask, "Where're those muddy bears?" to which he replies "What? Oh, I didn't actually buy those. I just wanted to show you cuz you like them." But like, so not only did he say he "got them" for me when he didn't, because it's a bulk candy, he also had to take a bunch out of the container, put them in a bag, take a pic, and then put them back, because he doesn't like them.

So, he went through quite a bit of effort because he was thinking of me and wanted to show me something I liked...but he didn't follow through and actually get it for me. He's happy to make the gesture, and it is genuine! But he can't/won't commit all the way.

IS IT JUST ME OR IS THIS LIKE A TOTAL METAPHOR FOR HIS AND MY RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW UGH.
ALA was mostly...not boring, exactly, but just quiet. Went to bed early-ish most nights because I had a cold, just wandered around, spent some time watching Tangled cuz why not, enjoyed chillin' with friendlies.

Then Saturday night. Saturday. Night.

Right as we're about to head out, the Pokemon Men randomly showed up at a door saying they'd been directed to OUR room, in particular, to put on a show.

AND THEY DID )

And they they left and we had no idea how or why that happened. After that we went to the super lame dance, talked to a bunch of people, and then befriended the Aang who we see all the time and who always looks so happy! His name was Alvin and he let/made/we-were-drunk-and-sometimes-stuff-just-happens us pet his smooth legs, which he'd shaved for his costume. We also befriended Gaston! Who sang! And then Alvin invited us to talk to Sokka (who was fun Sokka we also see all the time!) and we all chatted and then all of the sudden they wanted us to grab their butts? A lot? Why so much ass this evening? I was 100% okay with it, happy even, but again WHAT IS HAPPENING, THE AVATAR IS MAKING ME GRAB SOKKA (WHO WAS WEARING A KIGU YET STILL DISTICNTLY SOKKA)'S BUTT. How did I end up grabbing these dudes' butts. What is life.

They sadly did not know parties, so eventually we just wandered away and ended up at a suite party being thrown by a voice actor? Apparently? I dunno, I got tired and went home cuz it was kind of lame and what was going to top so much butt grabbing.

I am happy that I am lucky enough to have a life that consists of brunches with lady friends from high school, parties and walks with friends in places as beautiful as Santa Cruz, dancing in San Francisco, boozin' at movies, reading, watching hours and hours of Netflix, and recommending YA and kids' books to parents.

There's a lot of other stuff, some good, a lot bad, but having now had what essentially amounts to a nervous breakdown, I think I better appreciate the things that ARE good. Mostly.

I'm supposed to be doing the reading for a presentation I have on Thursday. It's a tricky subject dealing with materiality and realness and the body and drag and transgender and all this stuff that's interesting but hard. But I can't focus. I don't know if it's the heartbreak or the antidepressants or a lack of desire to actually do this anymore, but trying to read Judith Butler's overly obtuse prose is impossible right now.

I'm considering dropping out of my graduate program. I hate that. I hate that I'm even THINKING about it. But I don't know if I can do it and more, I don't know if I WANT to right now. I'm thinking of going to Japan. I'm going to apply to be an English teacher at the very least. I like women's studies, I like my classmates, I like SF State, but...I dunno. I don't know if this is really what I want. I have no idea what I want.

I had this problem right before Joel and I broke up. I felt lost and I didn't know what I wanted to do. I decided to take time off school, and then I basically just started following Jeremy. But now he's gone (kind of, mostly, I don't know) and I'm lost again. I'd like to be a professor. I hated being an admin. Retail is okay but not a career. I like library work but that's becoming nonexistent. Part of me just wants to be a stay at home wife/mom, but I know I'd get bored as shit.

I wish I were a My Little Pony. I'd have gotten my cutie mark in adolescence and just KNOWN what I was supposed to do. There are SO MANY things in this world and even if you're crazy active about trying new stuff you'll still never attempt even a fraction of it. So how do you find THE thing? Your passion?

I feel passionate about love. I feel passionate about women and media. I feel passionate about Japan. But right now I don't have love, I'm not sure if I'm up to doing women and media, and Japan seems like a scary but maybe more growth inducing possibility. That's really what I want. To be a grown up. If I can't be a kid, I want to be a grown up who has a life path picked and is ready to commit to it and work towards making it a good one. Being in between sucks.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

The City

Apr. 26th, 2012 01:15 pm
I know it's not accurate, but I feel like everything in my life is going to be better once I move to San Francisco.

I won't have to go to a job that I at best tolerate and at worst feel is killing a piece of my soul everyday. I won't feel the need to dress to fit in anymore; I can where whatever the fuck I want. I can dye my hair whatever colors to whatever degree instead of worrying that it will be "too much". I'll live closer to the people I already do know, and meet new people at school, so I won't be such an isolated hermit. I will spend most/every day learning and expanding my mind instead of mindlessly browsing the internet trying to avoid even more mindless actual work. I'll spend my free time actually DOING things, because i'll need to if I want my PhD applications to be worthwhile. I'll be able to go to concerts/bars/out dancing without having to worry about the hour or so extra it will take to get home, it'll just be a cab/bus ride back. We're planning on moving to the Sunset, either near Golden Gate Park or Lake Merced so I'll have nature near by instead of the stupid astroturf park by my house now. Jeremy will (hopefully) find a job he hates a lot less and will be a lot happier. Being in a big city will make it a bit easier to nurture my growing desire to go at least partially vegan. I won't have to drive almost ever, and while I'm not looking forward to the potentially sketchy nature of public transit, I really hate driving, so it's a worthwhile trade off.

I know there are a lot of things that are less than awesome about living in San Francisco, as there are in any city and especially any big city. I also know that my mental health issues aren't going to clear up over night just because I move. But so many of the things that I hate about my life right now will change, and waiting the four months between now and when I can finally move forward in my life is going to be very, very difficult.
I'm about 85% sure I want to go along with this whole become a gender/media studies professor thing, but sometimes when I start researching programs and looking at what students who ARE MY AGE OR YOUNGER are doing, or what they have achieved, I feel hopelessly inadequate, get way too stressed out about how lazy/unmotivated I am, and mentally give up and look at funny gifs on Tumblr. The part that freaks me out the most is that it's not that I'm not SMART enough to get those kinds of things accomplished, it's that I'm too lazy to start, too shy to network, and too insecure in my abilities to feel like I could be the one running a conference, or taking lead on an academic paper for an actual journal. I don't feel like I'm legitimate, I'm too untrained, I know too little, but I have a BA and I SHOULD be trained enough, these other kids seem to be and ahhhh why am I so behind on being an academic overachiever. And then gifs, or I'll have a panic attack.

Maybe I'll just teach community college. Probably won't publish or go to conferences, but I'd make decent money and I can still bring feminism and a critical understanding of media into people's lives. Or I can get over myself and just start something.
I am having way too much fun planning costumes/outfits for raves that I might not even be going to right now. I've been to a total of THREE electronic music events now! Hopefully my fourth will be next Saturday, and then fifth will be in March. Trying to decide between a bit smaller, but still big and local or huge production but in LA. Both have about equally weighty pros and cons, but I'm leaning towards the one in LA because it's ON my birthday, and I'd get to see Jessi!

Rave clothes are so different from how I dress normally. Like, it's still all about COLOR and FUN, but it's sooo much more revealing. I could go the phat pants route and dress like a 90's old school raver, but I actually like the kinda slutastic creativity you can get out of the new rave girl look. Most girls (from my limited experience) do the basic bra/pasties, hot pants/underwear, fluffies, and a spirit hood thang, but I've also seen a lot of really creative and impressive hand made stuff! Like, look at these ladies' etsy: Framptastic. Soooo coooool. I can't decide if I want to just buy from them (easier) or make my own fancy bras by gluing random sparkly shit and flowers to a regular bra. I will probably buy one because I am lazy. Also I can get ones that have LEDs built in! Look at the glowing... oooh. Anyway, I actually like the opportunity to dress kinda slutty. I never really do, and it makes me feel good about my body. I tend to not dress sexier because I don't want to come of as slutty, but at events like these there is no way in hell my toned down style can even compare, so I feel comfortable in that my overexposure is still underexposure given the context.

After March, we have like three possible event in April, but two are on Tuesdays which SUCKS, and the third is a dude we've already seen (Nero is awesome, though, so we might go anyway). I don't think we have anything in May, but Fanime is that month anyway so that will take up a lot of my time/mental energy. Then it's time for EDC in June!!! I am so friggin' excited. I mean, look at this crazyness! Here, have another. Who WOULDN'T be excited about that?? We already have our tickets and hotel booked, just need to get airfare. <3

The only thing that makes me a bit sad about raving is that I don't have any friends who are into it (except you, Kristin, but you're far far away). I love going with Jeremy, we have such a good time and dance and it's awesome. But when you start reading raver blogs and stuff, everyone talks about their raver families and going with friends and I would like that experience. I know if I tried, I could probably make friends there, but I'm so shy at those sorts of things. :X It's like at cons, everyone makes so many friends and I just don't understand how! I'm such a socially awkward penguin, it's really difficult for me to come out of my shell sometimes. Sigh.

Oh well, it's still all very exciting. :D
With all these engagements happening around me, I can't help but think... )

I'm actually not interested in getting married right now, though. Or even engaged. I love Jeremy to pieces, but it took me SIX YEARS to realize Joel was wrong for me, and we've only been together two. Granted, Joel and I were babies when we started dating, but even with the maturity adjustment I want another 2-5 years before I'm a wife. A WIFE. That's just such a weird, foreign concept to me. Which is exactly why I shouldn't be married. That and I need to feel more settled, in my life and in my own head. With the way my anxiety and depression have been looming so large for me lately, it's made me realize that I have a while to go and work to do before I'm ready to be someone's legit, for-life partner. But I'm working on it.

And it's still fun to look at pretty things.

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