Dec. 1st, 2013

Blues

Dec. 1st, 2013 10:54 pm

Times like this are why I'm not good at being single. I'm not a very social person. I have a certain amount of social energy, but it gets spent fairly quickly and then I need to hang out at my house in my safe space for a long time. But I still get lonely. Having a partner (this space is usually and most easily filled by a boyfriend, but can be filled by a very good friend) allows me to relax in the company of someone else, thus both recharging my social batteries AND keeping me from being lonely. But I have to have a very special, and difficult to attain, bond with that person. Only a handful in my life have fulfilled that role.

Japan is a very social place. It's weird, because the culture is very introverted. I can actually walk around in extremely crowded places and not feel overwhelmed or stressed because everyone is so closed off. BUT the eikaiwa bubble is very social. And I've LOVED it. I never did the college, everyone kind of knows everyone and parties together all the time thing. I've never had that experience, and the ECC bubble is definitely that kind of thing. But after 9 months of mostly/entirely that kind of BIG socializing...I'm tired. I just want someone to hang out and marathon a TV show with me or go to the movies or sit next to me while we both go on the Internet. And I do have those friends here, sort of, but one is a boy with a girlfriend so there are some toes I have to be careful of stepping on, and the other has been very busy for at least the past month. So I'm lonely. But I hate going to social events. Because I don't want EVENTS. I want to just hang out.

And that is why I'm bad at being single. My life plan, if I were to not marry, was always to live in one of my best friends' backyards and have them tell their children I am a fairy witch aunt who is very wise. Because then I can be close without being too close. Alone without being lonely.

Right now I'm surrounded by people. But I'm kinda lonely.

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emilie_rainbow

August 2016

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