Apr. 12th, 2016

emilie_rainbow: (alone)
Oh, livejournal. You are still a wonderful repository for stories I want to tell but feel like they'd be a burden if I shared them with someone directly so I spill them in a public space I'm 99.8% sure no one looks at anymore. It still somehow feels better than my private journal.

Things are getting to be too much again, and I'm tempted to say "I don't know why" but that's not true. I'm working two jobs, even if it's not a ton of hours. I'm taking a grad school class after being out of school for six years. I'm in the final stages of planning a medium but still pretty big wedding. I'm running my first big event semi-solo at the library. My final papers, Comic Book Day, and wedding all fall within a few weeks of each other. It's a lot. I know other people do as much if not more, but for the way I was built this is a lot and it's starting to be too much. I'm starting to want to hide, to stay home and sleep, watch too much netflix, conserve all my energy and avoid the things that are sapping it. It also doesn't help that I managed to catch a bad cold that kept me in bed for most of last week. I could feel the build up towards it being too much and I ignored it. You'd think I'd have learned by now that I have to tone it down sooner rather than later, but I always pick a date that's just a little too far away, shortly after the slide towards being overwhelmed has gone too far.

So now I want to quit one of my jobs. I won't, but I want to. Because that's what I do when I get overwhelmed, I check out. I don't get the positive feelings from this job that I used to get, so I want to leave. It's still fine. I still make fairly good money, it's easy, the schedule is flexible, it's good for my resume, but I don't LOVE it as much anymore and with the clouds it gets hard. I have to plan a weekly storytime, which the storytime itself is really the highlight of my job, but planning it is such a hassle when you're not inspired. It also doesn't help that it's toddlers, who are just monsters. Your storytime could be immaculately planned, and if they didn't sleep well or there are too many birds outside or the moon is full or ANYTHING, you just lose everything. They end up screaming and fighting and running circles around the room instead of paying attention. You think you have them figured out, how to time certain songs and activities, but I s2g it's completely random. And while I LOVE the teen center job, it took away my afternoons with the kids and that's when you get the most interaction, which is what I live off of. I like the quiet library work, I couldn't do something that was ALL interaction, I tried and it overwhelmed me, but I'm doing MOSTLY quiet library work aside from storytime and it's just not as fulfilling.

I think what I'm most worried about is that, with school, I don't really see this ending. Comic Book Day will be over, the wedding will be over, but I'm going to be taking 2 classes instead of just one going forward so I'm just replacing that stress and time with something else. I managed three classes + 12 hours of work in college, but managing 2 classes + 25ish hours feels like a lot more. And I have to take summer school so there's no end for the NEXT THREE YEARS. I was DONE. I was working and it was fine, and now I have all this back on my plate for three years. How am I supposed to do that? I could work less and rely on loans more, but I'm already pretty far in debt and while librarianship will cancel out my loans in ten years, that's IF they maintain the public service loan forgiveness program.

I want to say I shouldn't have started school, or I shouldn't have taken on Comic Book Day, or I should've pushed the wedding to a later date, but none of those were REALLY an option, so I can't beat myself up over it. It's just hard. It's just a lot. And it feels like I should've known better and I should've built a more caring routine, but I HAD a good routine...life just needed to move forward and I, as I too often do, did a lot all at once instead of adding one small thing at a time. And now here I am. Avoiding everything and writing on livejournal at work because I feel like I can't handle anything else.

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emilie_rainbow

August 2016

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