OMG I actually dress up sometimes )

empty time

Nov. 28th, 2011 10:11 am
I really need a new hobby. Something that is somewhat challenging and/or engaging because all of my old hobbies (anime, reading, Lolita, the internet) are all very relaxing and kinda sedentary. I get restless sitting down to do ANYTHING because all I do all day at work is sit and stare at a computer screen and not think. I need a hobby that requires thinking and/or moving. I never thought of school as being super active, but the mental activity combined with just having to actually GO to a few different places around a campus is surprisingly more active than just sitting in an office for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Same with working at the library, and even Borders; at least I was MOVING, and doing different things, seeing different people. But I've always had very restful hobbies and been a very indoor person, so I'm sort of at a loss for what to do with myself. Right now I just clean a lot.



Oct. 24th, 2011 02:22 pm
Yaoi-con summarized in bullet points:

+Awesome Cafe V Butler Cafe. Jessi was charmed by one of the butlers, and AMAZED that Chen was not actually a Japanese man. Somehow her amazement turned into a threat to flip the table while yelling "LIARS!". Flipping tables/chairs/bishies became a theme of the weekend.

+TEAM GURREN DAN OWNED THAT SCAVENGER HUNT. Example: "Task: Re-create that famous scene from boku no sexual harrassment". Except we did not have corn. WARNING: Link NSFWish. We won a bunch of shiz, but mostly bragging rights.

+Won two bishies at auction! One had a GF who freaked out and we had to be refunded, but the other was adorable and uke and stripped for us once we got him back to our bedroom. LOLLLLLLL he was hot though. And really sweet. And a steal at $200 (we went halfsies with some random girl who got him for the second half of the night).

+Auction in general was characterized by Jessi being drunk and amusingly belligerent. Every bid (of which there were many, we like to inflate prices) was followed by a "SUCK IT, BITCHES" or some variant thereof. Boys stripping, yadda yadda. Always a good time.

+Dance = Lesbian Make-out Orgy. That's all that needs to be said. Also maybe that fake vampire teeth are fun.

+By Sunday, we were apparently (in?)famous as "The ones who won all the bishies!" We only won two, but due to our constant loud bids and commentary, everyone recognized us. AWESOME.

+Free shit for no reason. Free Thai iced tea at dinner, free water from a security guard, FREE MONEY at the auction from random girls "For the Cause". We made $75. No lie.

FUN TIMES. Y-con never disappoints.


Oct. 20th, 2011 11:18 am
Jeremy and I are so gross. I'm late to work almost every day because we can't stop kissing and being all like, no, I love YOU! We canoodle in public way too often and are just generally all over each other all the time. It's ridiculous. But kind of awesome. Okay, really awesome, especially because things have been a bit down lately.

Y-con is this weekend! I'm super excited. Jeremy has given me permission to be kissin' all up on anybodies, not just girl bodies, so that may be interesting. Honestly, I don't think I'll take him up on the offer. I'm not there yet. Mostly I just want to be kissin' up on him. But we'll see how I feel after I have a few drinks in me. Have I mentioned we're in a monagamish (as Dan Savage would say) relationship? We were completely open while he was in Sweden, then we closed back up, then started talking about it again, then opened me to ladies, and now we're talking about it again. I don't know if we'll ever fully get there, but it's nice to be able to talk about it. My ideal future relationship will probably be an open one, but I think it takes A LOT of trust in your partner and a level of comfort with yourself that I just don't have yet. ANYWAY, the true excitement of Y-con lies in being redonkulous with Miss Jessi and Trevorrrr. Going to the Cafe V Yokai Matsuri, taking part in the scavenger hunt, maybe but probably won't buy someone at the auction, late night dancin'. Fun times.

Also going to a rave in a few weeks! Up in the city. I'm nervousexcited. I've been listening to A LOT of dubstep lately and I really enjoy it, but the scene seems so different from anything I've been involved with before. It's looks crowded and hot, and kind of naked a lot of the time. I know not everyone is naked and I'm sure there are less crowded spaces to inhabit, but the crush of people in photos is intimidating. But at LovEvolution I got right up in that crush and LOVED it. It's interesting. The funny thing, too, is that I always liked ravers. I liked how colorful they were, and throughout high school I would have random raver-lookin'people come up to me and try to talk to me about my kandi (which wasn't kandi, I just wore a lot of bracelets). I've had multiple people tell me I look like a raver, but I think that's usually people who don't actually know ravers. I dunnooooo. It's interesting and fun and new and I'm excited to DANCE.

How stupid is it to put off applying to graduate schools outside of the Bay Area because I don't want to break up with Jeremy yet? I could apply to like UC Irvine, potentially get funding, and then go anywhere once I got my MA in two years. But we'd break up. Or I can apply to SF State, get loans and then go anywhere I want once I get my MA. So, basically, choosing to stay here and do my MA will most likely put me further in debt than I already am. But it would save me the emotional pain of leaving him too soon. I don't know if we'll be together "forever", but I know I won't be ready in less than 9 months, no fucking way.

Is it stupid to value a relationship over money? Not education, because I'm going to apply no matter what and I'll get a roughly equal education any of the places I want to go. It's really money. But a lot of money. Am I being a stupid girl for not even wanting to go anywhere else?

It's really hard to decide if I should keep working at Stanford for the next two years or apply to graduate school now. I continuously waffle back and forth. I have a good job. When I had a shitty job, I wanted to escape back into the world of academia so badly it hurt. Now, I'm technically in the world of academia, busy enough that I don't sit around dying for more stimulation, and making enough money that the thought of giving it up for the life of a poor graduate student does not sound very appealing. But thinking about being here for TWO FULL YEARS also sounds kind of soul crushing. This job is fine, two years isn't that long, but I am genuinely concerned my brain will atrophy. Originally, I had decided to just apply to Berkeley and other local schools so if the time came at least it wouldn't be as OMG HUGE LIFE CHANGE. But no matter what it's going to be a huge life change, and I can't decide if my not wanting to apply for now is about the money/making myself a good candidate or if it's about fear. Fear of the changes grad school will bring for me, and especially for me and Jeremy. Fear of rejection, of not feeling good enough if/when I don't get it. Cuz, right now? I'm a mediocre candidate for some place like Berkeley. I don't have any 30 page writing samples. I don't have anything published. I don't have an MA. I'm just some punk from a 20something ranked school who didn't quite manage that 4.0 and has never written more than 16 pages about one thing. Berkeley is like top 5. Berkely requires 50 page theses from undergraduates. Do I think I could do it? Yes. But I'm not sure I could convince the admissions people of that. With a year to bust out a writing sample and the most perfect personal statement ever, I could. I think. So do I take the year to prepare and thus end up having to take ANOTHER year on top of that to wait for that part of my life to start, or do I try now and face potential rejection? I'm worried getting rejected would crush me. I got into every school I applied for out of high school. I was mildly crushed just by being waitlisted at Berkeley. Now, there's a very real chance, even a likelihood that I will be rejected, flat out. But thinking about for sure being stuck here for two years...ugh.

Decisions, decisions.
I am way too excited by the idea of going to raves right now. LovEvolution this weekend was fantastic amazing and I may have found myself a new mini-obsession. It'll burn out because I'm not social enough for raves, really, but right now OMG I WANT LIGHTS AND DANCING AND ELECTRONIC MUSIC HNNNNNG.
So, the thing I've noticed about Glee is that they really like to bring up interesting ideas that are really progressive and not often talked about and in need of media attention...and then just drop them and forget it ever happened. IE Mercedes and Sam in last night's premiere. Them dating would have been really interesting! We know next to nothing about Mercedes aside from that she is sassy and black (wow stereotypes), and her interacting with Sam (who was a more fleshed out character) would have brought her some depth. But no. Now she's dating some random black dude with whom she is going to have "cocoa babies" or whatever they were babbling about. They've done this before, too. Not with an interracial couple, but just with generally interesting story lines. Anyone remember when Sam had crazy body image issues for like five minutes in Rocky Horror? Or Mercedes' eating disorder when she was a Cheerio? And those are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head. They do this A LOT. And the thing that I kind of hate is that they can totally get away with it because "lol it's high school" and that's TRUE. It's totally reasonable for Sam and Mercedes to date for five minutes over the summer, that is SO high school, ESPECIALLY with the issues they might have run into being interracial and with him moving. Same thing with Puck and Lauren breaking up. They can get away with dropping anything because high school kids pick up and drop identities, relationships, and problems constantly. Something that seemed like a crazy huge big thing in a high school kid's life one week will be entirely forgotten the next. That's how high school rolls. And I think Glee hides behind that instead of exploring issues that some high school kids genuinely face, and WON'T forget in a week. Unless you're gay, then they want to explore all your issues all day long. BUT NOT BISEXUAL BOYS LOL THEY DON'T EVEN EXIST, but bi girls are fine, obvs.

Oh, Glee. How I love and hate you all at once. But OMG Quinn's new look is amazing. Her new deep rebel voice makes me lol, though. And I am so sad Lauren is gone. Sam's disappearance is sad, too, but meh there's already a couple of white dudes in the cast, if they're not going to explore his body image issues or his family issues I don't care that much anyway. I'm so happy it's back!


Sep. 12th, 2011 10:29 am
I had the most ridiculously romantic night of my life ever Saturday. Jeremy made me dinner, which we ate with wine by candlelight listening to Norah Jones. After that we took a candlelit bath together, followed by some bedroom time (nudgenudgewinkwink) and then we fell asleep snuggled together and holding hands.

There was a romance break while Jeremy watched a soccer game and I read the Ethical Slut in there, too, but that was still snuggly and we chatted about what I was reading, which had mostly to do with love and relationships and junk. It was ridiculous. I felt kind of silly, especially when we were just staring at each other during dinner and giggling, but...omg. I really never thought I'd have that kind of romance in my life.

I don't update anymore because all I do it work at a job that bores me and sit around doing nothing with Jeremy. I don't dress up because I chill out at home all day on the weekends, and I have to wear office lady stuff to work. I don't have any interesting thoughts because my brain is slowly turning to mush doing nothing but scheduling meetings and sending emails. But I don't want to complain because the job isn't bad, it's just blah, and since it pays so well and I'm so lucky to HAVE a job, I don't want to complain.

So I do nothing. I'm most active on tumblr because it gives me constant visual stimuli. I continuously think about starting a feminist media critique blog or working on a similar paper for eventual writing sample submission purposes, but somehow my afternoons are whiled away running errands and watching TV.

I really need to stimulate myself more but I'M SO LAZY.

Mannnnn I have been without internet at my home for THREE WEEKS now because of stupid comcast. Also being in Hawaii for a week, but MOSTLY comcast. NOT COOL. You don't realize how much you rely on the internet until you don't have it all of the sudden.


*Workin' erryday like a motherfuckin' ADULT. (Obviously I work really hard since I'm updating LJ right now). Go to MEETINGS. Send FAXES. Spend hours on the INTERNET.
*Went to Hawaii, got really tan (for me, not most people), chillaxed, read books, walked around in very little clothing cuz that's cool there.
*Jeremy and I are doing well in our new little apartment. He makes me dinner and packs me a lunch most days. We snuggle on our huge couch and watch anime on our huge TV. He called us a family the other day (He later redacted his statement, saying that we are not a family until we have a pet).
*HOWEVER it doesn't feel like it's fully ours yet because it is not completely decorated, which is bugging me. Only the living room is even moderately done, and I feel like I can't start on the bedroom til we get a new comforter because we don't know what color scheme we're going for. >:[
*Had the genius idea for Jeremy and I to be Lady and the Tramp for Halloween. Since Yaoi-con is the weekend before Halloween this year, I get to dress up and go out like a normal person!

Overall, I am too happy. I feel like being this happy is not sustainable, so I'm trying to enjoy it while it lasts, but I'm waiting for things to fall apart a bit. Which is no good, but what're you gonna do.

POP-kei + My Room )

Work is boring, but heyyyy I get to sit in front of a computer all day. I've been listening to Zelda so much I hear it in the silence. Going to Hawaii in a week! Got passed up for the apartment we wanted, but c'est la vie, gonna go look at two more tomorrow.
Jeremy and I might get to rent an actual HOUSE, with a yard! And we're going to move in some time in August rather than September! And I'm going to Hawaii in three weeks! With Jeremy! And I get to go to Disneyland in November! With Lolitas AND Jeremy! And I get my first paycheck on Friday! I'll have actual income for the first time in two months!



Jul. 15th, 2011 09:28 am
I want to do a long-ish term, in depth study of the Japanese and American Lolita communities. Like, I'm talking this-could-be-my-PhD-dissertation-status in depth study. I want to study the culture in both countries, how it's similar, how it's different, how the clothes affect people's lives or don't affect their lives, why the chose it, how it affects their views of themselves as women/girls or doesn't. It's such a rich and interesting subculture that so few people outside of the scene actually know about...I want to do an ethnography, basically. And then write a long ass paper dissecting the meanings behind it.

Why am I not in grad school yet. Work is boring and makes me miss Harry Potter midnight showings.
So, I'm like a motherfuckin' adult now. Like, I gots me an 8-5 job with BENEFITS and shit. I make expense reports for Health Policy faculty at Stanford. Also travel arrangements, spreadsheets, mail, filing, etc. It's boring, but it pays really well for the amount/level of work and BENEFITS, Y'ALL. I work in an office with my name on the door and my picture is going to be on the Stanford website! I wear business casual and work with excel and have recurring meetings about budgets.

...and then I come home, change into my most pastel fairy-kei and watch My Little Pony.


Jun. 27th, 2011 11:23 am
Today I learned that the reason that Dreamworks movies look like they are going to suck in commercials and then aren't actually so bad is because of a marketing strategy of selling self-aware and slapstick comedy even for sincere movies which dates back to the Warner Brother's battle with Disney.

The more you know.


+I really want boba tea right bow, even though I don't like boba tea but I only have two dollars and it's $2.50 plus tax cash only. Sadface

+I want a fish tank and a chinchilla, or a housebroken bunny. Someday I want a corgi, a pug, and a maltese to be my small army of adorable.

+I want my next house/apartment to have an obvious theme to each room. The living room will be an enchanted forest. The kitchen will be 50's cuteness turned up to 11. The bedroom will be twilight turning into night themed, with dark blue, purple, hints of pink, and glow in the dark stars. I dunno about the bathroom because bathrooms are boring.

+I have two potential jobs at Stanford pending. One is low stress, few hours, okay money. One is moderate stress, high hours, great money. Both have excellent benefits. I will see how this turns out.

+I've been really sick this past week. I wound up in the hospital yesterday, not because I needed to be there but because my insurance only covers super basic care or hospital visits, not anything in between. It was a waste of a day and an unnecessary stress. IV drip antibiotics and pain meds make you feel loads better real fast though.

+My favorite thing about the new Baby unicorn print is that it's called "unico". That is unbearably adorable. I'm reserving judgment til I see all the colorways though.

+I hate lacking money. I want so many things all the time, and my "to buy" list is getting out of hand. Mostly right now I want Dream Sky in lavender and pagan supply stuff. I need incense and candles and an athame. :(

+I want a nintendo 3DS so I can play ocarina of time so bad it hurts.

+I keep hoping I am magically going to find 50 cents so I can get tea but I think it's not be be. Sigh.

I just received my bank statements for this month and...surprise! I'm way more in debt than I thought I was! I have savings to pay it off, and I'm making a sales post to give myself a buffer, but even if I stop spending money on anything but rent, food, and utilities, if I don't get a new job soon...I'm going to be 100% broke in about 2-3 months. Like, move back home in shame broke.

BRIGHT SIDE: JEREMY IS ADORABLE. (Jeremy = direct quotes, Me = paraphrased)

Jeremy: "I bought you a present! :D"
Me: Thank youuuuu. BLAH BLAH SUPER POOR WAHHH >_<
Jeremy: "Ok well don't worry I'll take care of you, also your mom is helping out, yea? It was my pleasure to buy you this, I love making you happy and if buying small gifts does that then I'd do it a million times over."
Me: ILU SO MUCH I'm so lucky ;~; Just gotta eat the food at my house not eat out for a whiles.
Jeremy: "I am lucky too and glad I can provide for you if needed, also I don't mind cooking so we can save money" (WE?? ^o^)
Me: Aww thanks yeah cooking is good! I'm lazy and picky sigh.
Jeremy: "That's true you are lazy and picky, don't worry though anything you want to eat I'll make, you want fried tofu BAM! Fried fuckin tofu, you want vegetarian tacos BAM motherfuckin vegetarian tacos! I'll cook the shit out of whatever you want."
Me: You are so awesome.

I really am lucky to have him in my life. :)
I'm not good at doing these on time any more )

AP tea party today was really nice. I didn't do anything Lolita at Fanime (didn't do much of anything at all, really...this was a weird Fanime), so it was nice to hang with frillies.

I cannot WAIT to get a job so I can afford things again!
Lately I have had the overwhelming feeling that I am not doing what it is I am supposed to be doing. I should not be in an office right now, making excel spreadsheets. But I haven't known what it is I'm supposed to be doing, so I've felt trapped and stuck and unhappy.

Today I heard back from the last of the professors I asked for letters of recommendation. All five have said yes, including two department heads. I might actually be able to do this. I met actually get to go to grad school, and even one of the fancy prestigious ones.

It's like I've had this sudden glimpse of what I'm supposed to be doing and proof that I can actually get there. It's glorious.

But it makes sitting still and working on spreadsheets a lot harder.



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