+I'm really feeling the pagan thing lately. I get into these moods periodically, and I am in one BAD. I've spent, literally, hours researching books, trying to find my matron goddess (my heart is leaning towards Aphrodite, but I wonder if that's simply because I'm the most familiar with the Greek pantheon), looking for a pretty pentagram necklace (preferably decorated with rose quartz!), and just thinking and talking about what I feel and believe. I've also been trying to be out in nature more...I always feel more at peace when I'm able to sit out in the grass, in the sun, and soak up the natural world.

+I've been dressing up everyday for the past few days, which is always a good thing. I've been alternating between fairy-kei and Lolita. I have discovered I have a deep, deep need for lavender wrist cuffs. And I am very seriously considering buying this dress in purple for my graduation dress. I'd like to start incorporating a little more classic into my wardrobe...sweet classic, but just more florals and such. Also madly in love with this in mint. Omg. I need to make a sales post so I can afford new things, but I'm so nervous about the sales comm. I've never had trouble in the past...but so many people complain about it so often!

+I'm starting to stress about graduation. I am VERY much looking forward to going home for a month and a half or so and doing absolutely NOTHING, just staying home and crafting and reading and going on walks. However, I need to get a job. I have no idea what I want to do. I also need to start looking for a place to live, which is more exciting, but I wish I could get the job first. But Trevor needs a place for June, so I need a place in June. I'm excited about moving in with Trevor, though. I miss him terribly. And it will be nice to move over the hill, so I'm not quite so far away from everything.

+Jeremy and I have been a little off and on lately. He's leaving for Thailand in a little less than a month and a half, and he's going to be gone for two months. We'll have been dating for four months in 2 days...I don't think we've spent more than three days apart in that entire time. And we've certainly talked everyday. When he's abroad, that is going to be very, very different. And very, very difficult. I'm trying not to think about it, and not to let it color the time we have left, but sometimes it gets to me. We keep having serious talks, which I like because one of the things I value about our relationship is how well we communicate, but it's been too serious lately. It's just hard with Thailand looming over us, and graduation looming over me...it puts me in a serious mood. I don't like it.

+I really want to go back to Japan. I could afford it, too. I could even afford to go to Japanese school for like 3 months. Or just live for 6. And if I got a job there, I could stay semi-indefinitely. Why don't I go? I don't want to go alone. When I do go, I want to be able to buy a shit ton of Loli and cute stuff and random shit, and the amount of money I have now would not allow me to live that extravagant lifestyle. Also Jeremy. That's the big one, if I'm going to be honest with myself. I talked to my friend Kym about it yesterday...she said it's just going to get harder and harder to leave. She's not wrong. But the idea of breaking things off with Jeremy to move to Japan makes my tummy rumble in an unpleasant way.

+I need to socialize more. I need to go to a Lolita meet-up. But I'm busy every weekend from now until June, doin' stuff. This weekend is Mother's Day, going home. Next weekend my mom and I are going shopping. The weekend after I'm going to the GLEE concert, which is terribly exciting. Then it's Fanime! That will cure my need to socialize. But that's also weeks away still. I'll be seeing Iron Man 2 with my SC Lolis tomorrow...hopefully that fulfills my needs for a little while.

+I really wish I had a garden. If I could be constantly surrounded by plants and flowers, I think I'd be a lot happier, just generally. Darn apartment living. Maybe when Trevor and I move in together, I'll buy a bunch of indoor plants and make an indoor garden. Or maybe I'll just start buying myself cut flowers. They're just so expensive!

+I have a midterm tomorrow. I'm not really worried about it, but I'm not looking forward to it. Multiple choice, Disney class. But the class kind of sucks. It's basically just the history of the Disney studios. Walt's start in animation, who worked there, who were the inspirational artists, blah blah. I was hoping to analyze Disney films...not so much. Bah.

+My skin is slightly better, but still shite compared to what it should be. But! I bought Burt's Bees Rosewater toner and I'm very excited to use it. It smells beautiful. And rosewater is something Victorian ladies used to cleanse their faces, so that's lovely.

I'm spending too much time thinking, obviously. Off to work now, gonna try not to think. Just scan books, move them around. Library stuff.

religion

May. 1st, 2010 03:16 pm
So, y'all probably don't know this about me because I don't identify very strongly and I don't talk about it a lot because it can be a bit controversial, but I semi-identify as a neopagan. If asked, I'll usually says I am an "agnostic neopagan" because I'm not 100% what it going on out in the great cosmic soup of the world, but I do believe in the divinity in nature and an amount of multiplicity in divinity as well. When I was 12, and periodically since then, I got really into Wicca, specifically. When I'm feeling spiritual, I tend to like to express it in sort of "witchy" ways.

ANYWAY, the point of all that is that today is Beltane! Or May Day. This is the one pagan holiday I celebrate almost every year, although usually just by wearing flowers in my hair and/or celebrating fertility in a non-babymaking way. I like to celebrate the solstices and equinoxes as well, but I don't always remember to celebrate those for some reason...but Beltane always sticks out to me. I think it's because it's when things start to get warm, and I want to commune with nature more. And I like that it's a sort of sexual holiday. >:)

Well, I'm off to look at flowers, maybe see if I can find a maypole to dance around. Anyone else celebrating Beltane today? What are all y'alls religious leanings anyway? I don't want to start any controversy, and I know religion can be a touchy subject, but I'm curious, if you want to share.

Have a nice, summer-y day. :)
blah blah life blah blah future blah blah Jeremy blah )
Spring break has thus far, as have most of my breaks, been characterized by OMGBOREDDDD days followed by OMGBUSYYYYY. Came home Monday, spent Monday and Tuesday sitting around, watching TV, staring at the wall. Spent some time with my grandma. Pretty boring. Then yesterday I drove down to LA to hang out with Miss Jessi, then came back today, am now waiting for Jeremy, who will be here until Saturday, then I have a date with my darling Courtney, then back to SC.

Going to LA reminded me, once again, how much I miss my Jessi. She's the Nana O. to my Nana K. in a lot of ways. Which probably doesn't mean anything to a lot of you, but it means a lot to me. But she lives in LA, and I will probably never live in LA, and then she's going to graduate school in New York, which I will also not be doing. We're star-crossed. I feel like I'm star-crossed with a lot of my dearest friends lately. Everyone is so busy and/or faraway, and so am I and...yeah. It's a bit sad.

Jeremy is meeting my whooooole family tonight. It's going to be interesting.

hedonism

Feb. 18th, 2010 06:46 pm
So I think my primary philosophical system of belief is hedonism. "Ethical hedonism, a joyous utilitarianism, and a generalized aesthetic of sensual materialism."

My like phrase to live by is "Follow your bliss." Saw that on a bumper sticker once. That and "Commit random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty."

I find pleasure in beauty, love, solitude, laughter. Probably not in that order.

I've been thinking a lot lately, about my philosophies about life and relationships. I think if everyone tried to follow their bliss and got that other people were following their bliss, things would be less complicated.

But I'm also a bit of an optimist.

changes

Feb. 6th, 2010 02:47 pm
emilie_rainbow: (camera)
I keep thinking about how much my life has changed in the last year, but especially the last three months.

I got very, very drunk last night. Drunk enough that I was still kinda drunk when I woke up this morning, and am now nursing my first genuine hangover. I went out to bars with people that I actually know, got very drunk, danced, made out with my boyfriend in public, got felt up by my gay bff, almost flashed whoever was standing behind me when I crawled over Jeremy to give Nicole a hug (thankfully Jeremy pulled my skirt down, lol), and overall had an amazing night of drunken debauchery.

If I went back in time and told myself I would be having this evening like four years ago? I'm not sure if my self then would be more proud or disapproving. I always envied people who were able to let themselves go enough to get that drunk and in public. I've always been a little bit uptight and have had a hard time socializing and letting to. I know drinking is not the be all end all of socializing or letting go, but in my age range it's kind of a big deal and it's what we're "supposed" to be doing. I always felt like I was missing out on that fun, but I also kind of felt like a little...superior? Because I didn't get wasted and stumble around and drink to the point where I felt like I was going to throw up. (I didn't throw up, btw, just felt a lil pukey this morning).

But I had so much fun. I never understood why people went to bars or got soo wasted and crazy, but it's fun. And it was a safe environment, I was with my coworkers, and my favorite coworkers at that, and my lovely boyfriend who knows how to take care of a hungover girl the next day.

So...yeah. This might not seem like a huge change, but if you knew me during certain points in my life? You'd know that it really, really is. A positive change, but a change none the less.
2009 was a weird year for me. I feel like I spent a lot of it feeling very lost and uncertain. I came back from Japan and everything was different, and I was different, and I just wanted to go back. I spent most of the year stuck inside my head, yearing and/or wistfully staring out my window. It needed to be done...I really needed to reassess my life and figure out that I wasn't very happy with where it was, or where it was going. I am so glad I made (most) of the choices I did, and I think this might be the most content I have ever felt on a New Year's Eve, at least within my recent memory.

In 2010 I would like to:

+ Eat better
+ Exercise occasionally
+ Find a good balance between school, boys, family, friends, and self
+ Read books for fun more often
+ Wear whatever I want, when I want
+ Spend more energy on learning and USING Japanese

Also graduate, not die, etc etc, but those are things that I'm pretty sure I don't need to work on, they should (theoretically) just happen. Tonight is also a Blue Moon, so I think I might light a candle and meditate or do something witchy. Not really sure what, but it seems like a blue moon on New Year's is a big event, astronomically and magically and all that superstitious jazz.

Or I might pass out with the new Sookie Stackhouse novel at ten pm. We shall see.

quotations

Dec. 8th, 2009 12:32 pm
WILLOW: So he's nice?
BUFFY: Very, very.
WILLOW: And there's sparkage?
BUFFY: Yeah. He's- have you seen his arms? Those are good arms to have. I really like him. I do.
WILLOW: But..?
BUFFY: I don't know. I really like being around him, you know? And I think he cares about me.. but.. I just.. feel like something's missing.
WILLOW: He's not making you miserable?
BUFFY: Exactly. Riley seems so solid. Like he wouldn't cause me heartache.
WILLOW: (Fake worry) Get out. Get out while there's still time.
BUFFY: I know.. I have to get away from that bad boy thing. There's no good there. Seeing Angel in LA.. even for five minutes.. hello to the pain.
WILLOW: The pain is not a friend.
BUFFY: But I can't help thinking - isn't that where the fire comes from? Can a nice, safe relationship be that intense? I know it's nuts, but.. part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand in hand with pain and fighting.

This has been my view of love since I was, oh...13? Ish? I think this explains a lot about me, and how I've ended up in the situation I'm in.

reimagining

Dec. 3rd, 2009 10:53 am
So I sort of feel like I am regressing to who I was at 16. I'm not sure if I feel like this is a positive or negative thing. I'm definitely not exactly who I was at 16 (I'm not nearly as angry and I like my mom a lot more), but it's interesting to see these strings of who I am that I thought I had grown past coming back. More and more I feel like my relationship with Joel, as much as I liked to think it was this very adult, serious thing, was just another example of me becoming who my Number One Person needed and wanted me to be. And now I'm trying to figure out who I need and want me to be.

Who do you think I am, f-list? When you think CHELSEA, what do you think? Images, colors, memories, fandoms, characteristics, anything? I feel like knowing how others see you is one of the first steps to self discovery.

Also, I promise I will post pictures or funny links or something soon, I'm sure you guys are getting tired of all this introspective nonsense... >_>

politics?

Nov. 26th, 2009 02:16 pm
I seem to find myself talking about politics a lot lately. I'm not a very political person overall, I have a few issues I'll get riled up about, but I don't pay enough attention or do enough research to have very many strong opinions. However, I mostly just assume everyone I know is liberal, which I've discovered is incorrect. I think it's because my group of friends in high school bonded over being the few liberals in Santa Maria, and then I moved to Santa Cruz where it's all bleeding heart tree hugging hippie communists.

So...where do all y'all stand, flist? Liberal? Conservative? Somewhere in between? Hate politics and really coldn't care less? Any particular issues you get especially fired up about? I don't want to start any sort of political war on my LJ, but I was just kinda curious.

thoughts

Sep. 14th, 2009 10:25 pm
+ I am really excited for Fame. I loved the cheestastic 80s original, and I'm sure I'm going to love the new cheestastic version.

+ I realized today all of my favorite Disney heroines growing up were the "sexy" ones: Jasmine, Esmeralda, and Megara. I liked the more princess-y girls, but I wanted to BE the sexy chick. Which is strange, given who I am now, I think. Who were your favorite Disney heroines?

+ Did anyone else think the new New Moon trailer was just a non stop stream of shirtless men? Not that I'm complaining, but whoa.

+ Bought the new Green Day album today. I know it's totally not hip to love them anymore, but Billie Joe still makes my 14 year old punk rock girl heart flutter.

+ Speaking of my 14 year old self, I've been thinking a lot about myself in junior high and high school lately. The room I'm moving back into was my room from babyhood until senior year of high school, plus listening to Green Day is making me flashback. Not in a nostalgic way...just a flashback, contemplative sort of way. I wonder what myself at 12, 15, 17 would think of me now. At 12 I was a huuuuuuge f-ing geek, who acted "normal" during the week, but dressed like a hot topic gawth and watched non stop anime on the weekends. When I was 15 I was punk rock girl with rainbow hair and a hard on for riot grrrl and any female fronted punk/rock bands. At 17 I was a burgeoning hipster kid who listened to exclusively indie music and "cared" about politics. I'm really glad I've "found" myself, and incorporated bits and pieces of all of those personas into who I am now, but it's interesting to look back on my various incarnations. Who were you in the past, flist?

Now I'm off to watch Glee and/or Vampire Diaries. Have a lovely night.
Cut for ranting and my thoughts on the relationship between Rape and Pornography )

Something less contentious: Kirsten Dunst as a Harajuku girl. :3

sweet

Aug. 10th, 2009 07:02 pm
Does anyone besides me feel like sweet Lolita has been under attack lately? This isn't just in response to the post on egl right now, it's also all the "all AP lolitas are clones!" secrets and just the general distaste people have been showing for sweet lately. At first it seemed like people were just saying "it's not for me", but I really feel like it's escalated to full on hate. People say things like OTT sweet makes them want to puke, and no one jumps in to defend it or say they're going a bit far. I dunno, I'm probably just being a bit sensitive since I always seem to be the lone pink ranger at the Loli meet-ups I go to, but I really don't think sweet is such an overbearing style that it deserves all this hate. Is it really that tacky to look like a cupcake? And is being a little bit tacky always a bad thing? Maybe it's because I've always had a love for kitschy things, but I kind of like looking like a little girl's cupcakes and pony dream world exploded on me.

Thoughts?

It feels good to dress up again )


I wrote the first draft of my personal narrative today. I'm writing about the time I met the little girl who had the same cancer I had at relay for life junior year. She was so sweet. She passed away about a year after I met her...I wish I'd kept more in contact or something. It's hard to write about it. I'm good at talking about my health problems in like a nonchalant, "yeah I had cancer twice just a fact of life you know" sort of way, but as soon as I actually tap into the emotional part of it? Not so easy. I've only recently really started even dealing with those issues, I've always really just pushed them away and specifically ignored them. But I suppose that's what writing a personal narrative is about.

Now I'm at the media center at the library waiting to watch the extra assigned video. Bleh. Have to write a "short paper" about it tonight, and then I'm free to watch the like 7 episodes of Gossip Girl I downloaded! Huzzah.
It's really weird being home and not feeling rushed. I didn't get out of bed today until like 11, and wasn't dressed until noon. Glorious. Now I'm at the nail salon with my mom, waiting for them to finish her nails.

But Santa Maria is a strange place. I was kind of really excited to come home, but then as soon as I got here that familiar sense of ennui and oppressive boredom overtook me. I think a lot of that is second hand emotion from my mom, though.

I was thinking about why I ever miss Santa Maria, since when I left I was pretty much like THANK YOU JESUS NEVER GOING BACK FUCK YOU SM! I think part of it is that my feeling of marginalization is legitimate here. Like...so, in Santa Cruz everyone stares at me, but it feels a lot more unexpected and hostile there. Like, I'm so weird even the weirdos in Santa Cruz stare at me, so I just feel afraid and uncomfortable. But in Santa Maria, everyone is a normie or a dude bro or some other "normal", god-fearing Republican type of person, so I sort of revel in their disapproval. It feels good to be stared at because I feel like I'm like expanding their closed minded little worlds or something. Also, and possibly unrelated, people in SM just stare, they don't say things to me like people in SC do. So I get the kinda punk rock satisfaction of making people think outside their box AND I don't have to deal with people hitting on me because dressing weird = being kinky? Or something.

In other, unrelated news, I'm noticing boys again. I go through phases where I notice girls, where I notice no one, and where I notice boys and I am DEFINITELY in the last. I was noticing girls last quarter (omg, this one girl in my visual analysis class was so hot, when she sat next to me I seriously could not focus the whole hour and 45 mins of class), but now I've swung the other way. Its kind of fun, but kind of distressing. Oh well.

finals

Jun. 7th, 2009 07:05 pm
Guys, I am trippin'. I keep having these like intensely depressed moments for absolutely no reason and it's bugging me. I'm not espcially unhappy right now, I don't have anything in particular to be unhappy about except for minor school woes, being a little lonely, and being a little poor. I know part of it is that I don't eat in short enough intervals and my blood sugar drops, but I don't know. This is like intense depression. Maybe I'm picking it up from people? A lot of folk are freaking out right now because of graduation and stuff. Everyone seems to be having a little bit of an "I don't know what I'm doing with my life!!" crisis, maybe I'm absorbing that, even though I've got another year before I need to freak.

In other news I'm hella stressed about my Japanese skit, but all I have is that, a super easy take home final, and work this week so that's nice. And then I actually have a week and a half off! And I get to see Jessi! And relax! And chill with my brother! And sleep in!

I've also been watching One Piece. I'm past the 50 episode mark! Of course there are like 500 episodes, so that's really not saying a lot, but I'm still excited. I <3 Luffy.

And I've been spending waaaay to much stupid waste of my life time on /cgl/. I went on looking for pics of fanime and I like haven't gotten off. Wtf, self. WTF. But I'm kind of annoyed by all the Loli drama that goes on there. Like, I remember hearing that shit went down on /cgl/, but every time I'd go there, there wouldn't be anything even remotely Loli related. But now freaking every other thread is such and such is fugly, such and such can't really be that nice, such and such is a ho.Keep it on gettoffegl, people, seriously. It just really reminds me of this lovely macro: Normal person + anonymity + audience. Seriously.
emilie_rainbow: (lost girl)
I've been sort of stuck in a world of images lately. This happens sometimes when I'm not busy enough and/or not getting enough human interaction. I've been very much in my own world and in my own head, with just dreams and images of the things I want or want to be. I don't know.

Personal Ramblings )

Whew. I don't usually talk about myself that...openly? In public forums. Or moderately private ones. It's funny how open I can be about my feelings about Joel, my body, the world, silliness, but talking about myself, like my actual mental, emotional self makes me somewhat uncomfortable. I dunno.

So I'm watching Wife Swap. I have a sick, sick fascination with this show. I love seeing how these crazy bitches run their households and how they think the way they run things is the way everyone should run things. Ha.

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