Just get through it

[emilie_rainbow]

I'm supposed to be doing the reading for a presentation I have on Thursday. It's a tricky subject dealing with materiality and realness and the body and drag and transgender and all this stuff that's interesting but hard. But I can't focus. I don't know if it's the heartbreak or the antidepressants or a lack of desire to actually do this anymore, but trying to read Judith Butler's overly obtuse prose is impossible right now.

I'm considering dropping out of my graduate program. I hate that. I hate that I'm even THINKING about it. But I don't know if I can do it and more, I don't know if I WANT to right now. I'm thinking of going to Japan. I'm going to apply to be an English teacher at the very least. I like women's studies, I like my classmates, I like SF State, but...I dunno. I don't know if this is really what I want. I have no idea what I want.

I had this problem right before Joel and I broke up. I felt lost and I didn't know what I wanted to do. I decided to take time off school, and then I basically just started following Jeremy. But now he's gone (kind of, mostly, I don't know) and I'm lost again. I'd like to be a professor. I hated being an admin. Retail is okay but not a career. I like library work but that's becoming nonexistent. Part of me just wants to be a stay at home wife/mom, but I know I'd get bored as shit.

I wish I were a My Little Pony. I'd have gotten my cutie mark in adolescence and just KNOWN what I was supposed to do. There are SO MANY things in this world and even if you're crazy active about trying new stuff you'll still never attempt even a fraction of it. So how do you find THE thing? Your passion?

I feel passionate about love. I feel passionate about women and media. I feel passionate about Japan. But right now I don't have love, I'm not sure if I'm up to doing women and media, and Japan seems like a scary but maybe more growth inducing possibility. That's really what I want. To be a grown up. If I can't be a kid, I want to be a grown up who has a life path picked and is ready to commit to it and work towards making it a good one. Being in between sucks.

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