Abandon thought and let the dream descend

+I'm really feeling the pagan thing lately. I get into these moods periodically, and I am in one BAD. I've spent, literally, hours researching books, trying to find my matron goddess (my heart is leaning towards Aphrodite, but I wonder if that's simply because I'm the most familiar with the Greek pantheon), looking for a pretty pentagram necklace (preferably decorated with rose quartz!), and just thinking and talking about what I feel and believe. I've also been trying to be out in nature more...I always feel more at peace when I'm able to sit out in the grass, in the sun, and soak up the natural world.

+I've been dressing up everyday for the past few days, which is always a good thing. I've been alternating between fairy-kei and Lolita. I have discovered I have a deep, deep need for lavender wrist cuffs. And I am very seriously considering buying this dress in purple for my graduation dress. I'd like to start incorporating a little more classic into my wardrobe...sweet classic, but just more florals and such. Also madly in love with this in mint. Omg. I need to make a sales post so I can afford new things, but I'm so nervous about the sales comm. I've never had trouble in the past...but so many people complain about it so often!

+I'm starting to stress about graduation. I am VERY much looking forward to going home for a month and a half or so and doing absolutely NOTHING, just staying home and crafting and reading and going on walks. However, I need to get a job. I have no idea what I want to do. I also need to start looking for a place to live, which is more exciting, but I wish I could get the job first. But Trevor needs a place for June, so I need a place in June. I'm excited about moving in with Trevor, though. I miss him terribly. And it will be nice to move over the hill, so I'm not quite so far away from everything.

+Jeremy and I have been a little off and on lately. He's leaving for Thailand in a little less than a month and a half, and he's going to be gone for two months. We'll have been dating for four months in 2 days...I don't think we've spent more than three days apart in that entire time. And we've certainly talked everyday. When he's abroad, that is going to be very, very different. And very, very difficult. I'm trying not to think about it, and not to let it color the time we have left, but sometimes it gets to me. We keep having serious talks, which I like because one of the things I value about our relationship is how well we communicate, but it's been too serious lately. It's just hard with Thailand looming over us, and graduation looming over me...it puts me in a serious mood. I don't like it.

+I really want to go back to Japan. I could afford it, too. I could even afford to go to Japanese school for like 3 months. Or just live for 6. And if I got a job there, I could stay semi-indefinitely. Why don't I go? I don't want to go alone. When I do go, I want to be able to buy a shit ton of Loli and cute stuff and random shit, and the amount of money I have now would not allow me to live that extravagant lifestyle. Also Jeremy. That's the big one, if I'm going to be honest with myself. I talked to my friend Kym about it yesterday...she said it's just going to get harder and harder to leave. She's not wrong. But the idea of breaking things off with Jeremy to move to Japan makes my tummy rumble in an unpleasant way.

+I need to socialize more. I need to go to a Lolita meet-up. But I'm busy every weekend from now until June, doin' stuff. This weekend is Mother's Day, going home. Next weekend my mom and I are going shopping. The weekend after I'm going to the GLEE concert, which is terribly exciting. Then it's Fanime! That will cure my need to socialize. But that's also weeks away still. I'll be seeing Iron Man 2 with my SC Lolis tomorrow...hopefully that fulfills my needs for a little while.

+I really wish I had a garden. If I could be constantly surrounded by plants and flowers, I think I'd be a lot happier, just generally. Darn apartment living. Maybe when Trevor and I move in together, I'll buy a bunch of indoor plants and make an indoor garden. Or maybe I'll just start buying myself cut flowers. They're just so expensive!

+I have a midterm tomorrow. I'm not really worried about it, but I'm not looking forward to it. Multiple choice, Disney class. But the class kind of sucks. It's basically just the history of the Disney studios. Walt's start in animation, who worked there, who were the inspirational artists, blah blah. I was hoping to analyze Disney films...not so much. Bah.

+My skin is slightly better, but still shite compared to what it should be. But! I bought Burt's Bees Rosewater toner and I'm very excited to use it. It smells beautiful. And rosewater is something Victorian ladies used to cleanse their faces, so that's lovely.

I'm spending too much time thinking, obviously. Off to work now, gonna try not to think. Just scan books, move them around. Library stuff.

So I think my primary philosophical system of belief is hedonism. "Ethical hedonism, a joyous utilitarianism, and a generalized aesthetic of sensual materialism."

My like phrase to live by is "Follow your bliss." Saw that on a bumper sticker once. That and "Commit random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty."

I find pleasure in beauty, love, solitude, laughter. Probably not in that order.

I've been thinking a lot lately, about my philosophies about life and relationships. I think if everyone tried to follow their bliss and got that other people were following their bliss, things would be less complicated.

But I'm also a bit of an optimist.

2009 was a weird year for me. I feel like I spent a lot of it feeling very lost and uncertain. I came back from Japan and everything was different, and I was different, and I just wanted to go back. I spent most of the year stuck inside my head, yearing and/or wistfully staring out my window. It needed to be done...I really needed to reassess my life and figure out that I wasn't very happy with where it was, or where it was going. I am so glad I made (most) of the choices I did, and I think this might be the most content I have ever felt on a New Year's Eve, at least within my recent memory.

In 2010 I would like to:

+ Eat better
+ Exercise occasionally
+ Find a good balance between school, boys, family, friends, and self
+ Read books for fun more often
+ Wear whatever I want, when I want
+ Spend more energy on learning and USING Japanese

Also graduate, not die, etc etc, but those are things that I'm pretty sure I don't need to work on, they should (theoretically) just happen. Tonight is also a Blue Moon, so I think I might light a candle and meditate or do something witchy. Not really sure what, but it seems like a blue moon on New Year's is a big event, astronomically and magically and all that superstitious jazz.

Or I might pass out with the new Sookie Stackhouse novel at ten pm. We shall see.

So I sort of feel like I am regressing to who I was at 16. I'm not sure if I feel like this is a positive or negative thing. I'm definitely not exactly who I was at 16 (I'm not nearly as angry and I like my mom a lot more), but it's interesting to see these strings of who I am that I thought I had grown past coming back. More and more I feel like my relationship with Joel, as much as I liked to think it was this very adult, serious thing, was just another example of me becoming who my Number One Person needed and wanted me to be. And now I'm trying to figure out who I need and want me to be.

Who do you think I am, f-list? When you think CHELSEA, what do you think? Images, colors, memories, fandoms, characteristics, anything? I feel like knowing how others see you is one of the first steps to self discovery.

Also, I promise I will post pictures or funny links or something soon, I'm sure you guys are getting tired of all this introspective nonsense... >_>

+ I am really excited for Fame. I loved the cheestastic 80s original, and I'm sure I'm going to love the new cheestastic version.

+ I realized today all of my favorite Disney heroines growing up were the "sexy" ones: Jasmine, Esmeralda, and Megara. I liked the more princess-y girls, but I wanted to BE the sexy chick. Which is strange, given who I am now, I think. Who were your favorite Disney heroines?

+ Did anyone else think the new New Moon trailer was just a non stop stream of shirtless men? Not that I'm complaining, but whoa.

+ Bought the new Green Day album today. I know it's totally not hip to love them anymore, but Billie Joe still makes my 14 year old punk rock girl heart flutter.

+ Speaking of my 14 year old self, I've been thinking a lot about myself in junior high and high school lately. The room I'm moving back into was my room from babyhood until senior year of high school, plus listening to Green Day is making me flashback. Not in a nostalgic way...just a flashback, contemplative sort of way. I wonder what myself at 12, 15, 17 would think of me now. At 12 I was a huuuuuuge f-ing geek, who acted "normal" during the week, but dressed like a hot topic gawth and watched non stop anime on the weekends. When I was 15 I was punk rock girl with rainbow hair and a hard on for riot grrrl and any female fronted punk/rock bands. At 17 I was a burgeoning hipster kid who listened to exclusively indie music and "cared" about politics. I'm really glad I've "found" myself, and incorporated bits and pieces of all of those personas into who I am now, but it's interesting to look back on my various incarnations. Who were you in the past, flist?

Now I'm off to watch Glee and/or Vampire Diaries. Have a lovely night.

( It feels good to dress up again )

I wrote the first draft of my personal narrative today. I'm writing about the time I met the little girl who had the same cancer I had at relay for life junior year. She was so sweet. She passed away about a year after I met her...I wish I'd kept more in contact or something. It's hard to write about it. I'm good at talking about my health problems in like a nonchalant, "yeah I had cancer twice just a fact of life you know" sort of way, but as soon as I actually tap into the emotional part of it? Not so easy. I've only recently really started even dealing with those issues, I've always really just pushed them away and specifically ignored them. But I suppose that's what writing a personal narrative is about.

Now I'm at the media center at the library waiting to watch the extra assigned video. Bleh. Have to write a "short paper" about it tonight, and then I'm free to watch the like 7 episodes of Gossip Girl I downloaded! Huzzah.

Guys, I am trippin'. I keep having these like intensely depressed moments for absolutely no reason and it's bugging me. I'm not espcially unhappy right now, I don't have anything in particular to be unhappy about except for minor school woes, being a little lonely, and being a little poor. I know part of it is that I don't eat in short enough intervals and my blood sugar drops, but I don't know. This is like intense depression. Maybe I'm picking it up from people? A lot of folk are freaking out right now because of graduation and stuff. Everyone seems to be having a little bit of an "I don't know what I'm doing with my life!!" crisis, maybe I'm absorbing that, even though I've got another year before I need to freak.

In other news I'm hella stressed about my Japanese skit, but all I have is that, a super easy take home final, and work this week so that's nice. And then I actually have a week and a half off! And I get to see Jessi! And relax! And chill with my brother! And sleep in!

I've also been watching One Piece. I'm past the 50 episode mark! Of course there are like 500 episodes, so that's really not saying a lot, but I'm still excited. I <3 Luffy.

And I've been spending waaaay to much stupid waste of my life time on /cgl/. I went on looking for pics of fanime and I like haven't gotten off. Wtf, self. WTF. But I'm kind of annoyed by all the Loli drama that goes on there. Like, I remember hearing that shit went down on /cgl/, but every time I'd go there, there wouldn't be anything even remotely Loli related. But now freaking every other thread is such and such is fugly, such and such can't really be that nice, such and such is a ho.Keep it on gettoffegl, people, seriously. It just really reminds me of this lovely macro: Normal person + anonymity + audience. Seriously.