Abandon thought and let the dream descend

+I'm really feeling the pagan thing lately. I get into these moods periodically, and I am in one BAD. I've spent, literally, hours researching books, trying to find my matron goddess (my heart is leaning towards Aphrodite, but I wonder if that's simply because I'm the most familiar with the Greek pantheon), looking for a pretty pentagram necklace (preferably decorated with rose quartz!), and just thinking and talking about what I feel and believe. I've also been trying to be out in nature more...I always feel more at peace when I'm able to sit out in the grass, in the sun, and soak up the natural world.

+I've been dressing up everyday for the past few days, which is always a good thing. I've been alternating between fairy-kei and Lolita. I have discovered I have a deep, deep need for lavender wrist cuffs. And I am very seriously considering buying this dress in purple for my graduation dress. I'd like to start incorporating a little more classic into my wardrobe...sweet classic, but just more florals and such. Also madly in love with this in mint. Omg. I need to make a sales post so I can afford new things, but I'm so nervous about the sales comm. I've never had trouble in the past...but so many people complain about it so often!

+I'm starting to stress about graduation. I am VERY much looking forward to going home for a month and a half or so and doing absolutely NOTHING, just staying home and crafting and reading and going on walks. However, I need to get a job. I have no idea what I want to do. I also need to start looking for a place to live, which is more exciting, but I wish I could get the job first. But Trevor needs a place for June, so I need a place in June. I'm excited about moving in with Trevor, though. I miss him terribly. And it will be nice to move over the hill, so I'm not quite so far away from everything.

+Jeremy and I have been a little off and on lately. He's leaving for Thailand in a little less than a month and a half, and he's going to be gone for two months. We'll have been dating for four months in 2 days...I don't think we've spent more than three days apart in that entire time. And we've certainly talked everyday. When he's abroad, that is going to be very, very different. And very, very difficult. I'm trying not to think about it, and not to let it color the time we have left, but sometimes it gets to me. We keep having serious talks, which I like because one of the things I value about our relationship is how well we communicate, but it's been too serious lately. It's just hard with Thailand looming over us, and graduation looming over me...it puts me in a serious mood. I don't like it.

+I really want to go back to Japan. I could afford it, too. I could even afford to go to Japanese school for like 3 months. Or just live for 6. And if I got a job there, I could stay semi-indefinitely. Why don't I go? I don't want to go alone. When I do go, I want to be able to buy a shit ton of Loli and cute stuff and random shit, and the amount of money I have now would not allow me to live that extravagant lifestyle. Also Jeremy. That's the big one, if I'm going to be honest with myself. I talked to my friend Kym about it yesterday...she said it's just going to get harder and harder to leave. She's not wrong. But the idea of breaking things off with Jeremy to move to Japan makes my tummy rumble in an unpleasant way.

+I need to socialize more. I need to go to a Lolita meet-up. But I'm busy every weekend from now until June, doin' stuff. This weekend is Mother's Day, going home. Next weekend my mom and I are going shopping. The weekend after I'm going to the GLEE concert, which is terribly exciting. Then it's Fanime! That will cure my need to socialize. But that's also weeks away still. I'll be seeing Iron Man 2 with my SC Lolis tomorrow...hopefully that fulfills my needs for a little while.

+I really wish I had a garden. If I could be constantly surrounded by plants and flowers, I think I'd be a lot happier, just generally. Darn apartment living. Maybe when Trevor and I move in together, I'll buy a bunch of indoor plants and make an indoor garden. Or maybe I'll just start buying myself cut flowers. They're just so expensive!

+I have a midterm tomorrow. I'm not really worried about it, but I'm not looking forward to it. Multiple choice, Disney class. But the class kind of sucks. It's basically just the history of the Disney studios. Walt's start in animation, who worked there, who were the inspirational artists, blah blah. I was hoping to analyze Disney films...not so much. Bah.

+My skin is slightly better, but still shite compared to what it should be. But! I bought Burt's Bees Rosewater toner and I'm very excited to use it. It smells beautiful. And rosewater is something Victorian ladies used to cleanse their faces, so that's lovely.

I'm spending too much time thinking, obviously. Off to work now, gonna try not to think. Just scan books, move them around. Library stuff.

They're making an American Death Note movie. DDD: Unless Zac Efron plays Kira, this just can't end well.

In much better news, there's a date for the JPop center!!!!!. Omfg, I am so excited about this. Aside from omg Baby store in the US, it's going to be such a wonderful communal experience for all the American Lolis; people are already talking about road trips from like Chicago and Houston! It's going to be fabulous. As catty and ridiculous as we can be online, I really do love the Lolita community as a whole. I'm so excited for this momentous occasion.

Also, I miss Tokyo like burning. Mostly I sort of consciously try not to think about it, but it's like I was living in this electric wonderland for three months where I had a best friend who I saw every day but wasn't taxed by, I was able to practice my for-realsies-not-classroom Japanese all the time, the food was slightly to die for, I got to go Lolita shopping every weekend, and I was alone most of the time in exactly the way I like to be. I know I'm romanticizing it, and I had a lot of issues when I was there but, really? Not that many. I really, truly enjoyed the moment and life while I was there. Ilived in the present instead of dreams of the future, which I really never do. Probably because I knew this was my only moment to enjoy it, but still. If (God(ess) forbid) something should happen to Joel, or we break up or somethng, that's it y'all, I am relocating to Tokyo. Anyone want to move there with me next summer? Just for the summer? Maybe? Please?

I'm really excited about this weekend. Thursday night is Star Trek with the SC Lolis, Friday my mom is coming up and we're going to go out and have dinner and paint the table and chair she bought me, Saturday is my very first tea meet, and then I am blissfully unoccupied for the rest of Saturday evening and Sunday. Lovely. <3

It got so cold in Tokyo all of the sudden! I knew it would, but it's still kind of a surprise. It's been in the mid-50's, with added (subtracted?) wind chill. Brrrrrr.

This is why I wish I was in America. Forget the election, forget Mexican food and missing my family, I miss the American Lolita event of the YEAR. EVERYONE was there, jaysus.

( Look! Look! I'm a Lolita, too! )

Everyone kept saying how pink I was today. I was just like, are y'all blind? I am BLACK! I am SUBDUED! I bought this dress specifically so I could wear a more subdued Loli in more everyday contexts. I can wear the more outlandish stuff at home in the states sometimes, but ever since my encounter with that man, I've been hesitant to wear Loli out when I'm not with people. And people here stare! I already get stared at, and I'm used to it in America, I guess, but back home I don't care what people think of me. It's that inner punk rock girl who never really went away; the I-wear-what-I-want-and-fuck-y'all-who-don't-like-it girl who's still in there, somewhere. But here I want to make a good impression as a foreigner and dressing like a giant cupcake doesnt necessarily give the best impression. I dunno. I'm trying to do it more, I miss it, and I've bought enough stuff to be an everyday Loli. Hee.

I'm not 100% sure what it is I'm doing with all my time, but I don't update y'all enough. I think it's the travel time...I guess, I dunno.

I updated my camerawhoring journal, though.

Tomorrow I'm going to Puroland with Jessi! I'm very excited because it's a chance for me to actually wear Lolita outside of my house. I buy and I buy and I buy, but I don't really wear. I try to work some pieces into my everyday outfits, but that's really only jewelry.

I met with my Japanese tutor yesterday. We actually talked about real things for once! Not just "so what did you do this weekend. oh, ok, what are you doing this evening..." and so on. We talked about Star Wars! And Ewan McGregor! In Japanese! It's was exciting.

Ummm...........I really don't have anything to say. I'm bored in the computer lab, I am homesick. I might be coming home a few days early! So I'll get to see Twilight. :D

Yeah.

Bye.

So I think I may have finally secured my group of friends. I tend to like to be a part of a smaller group within a group, either as a couple or a few closer (usually female) friends, and I think I've finally figured out who my smaller group is! And it's a trio! I love trios. :D

Jessi, Niko, and I hung out pretty much all day yesterday. I think they may be my favorite people on the trip. I mean, I love everyone, but they are both pretty awesome. We went with everyone to Kichijouji and ate sushi, then came back here and watched Gurren Lagann! I had given it to Jessi a few days ago and she burned through the first half of the series super fast (it's hard not to), and we squeed so much over it on the train that Niko almost refused to watch it because he was afraid either we would ruin it with squeeage or that it was actually a girl anime in disguise. But, no, he loved it and is going to finish at least the first half so we can all go see the movie and experience the epicness of TTGL on the big screen. Omg.

After this awesomeness we went to Ikebukuro and went to Animate, had dinner, and then ice cream. It was so very fun. Although, Jessi and I felt like such lame gaijin otaku (foreign anime nerds) cuz she was in a Ninja t-shirt and wearing a backpack and I was wearing my kitty ear sweater. Yeah. And then Niko and I cemented our gaijin otaku status by actually doing caramell dansen in the store. Here is what caramell dansen is and the reason it is kind of horrible that we did it is that it is a ridiculous internet thing that only lame anime nerds do. Like, at AX, Joel literally pretended not to know me every time I would start dancing to it. And this happened frequently because anime nerds love to carry boom boxes and randomly play music at cons. Which is fun...but also so geeky it kind of hurts.

Anyway, it was a really nice day. And we hung out all today, too. It makes me happy to be part of a trio again. I haven't been part of a trio in too long. :)

My mom left today. I am doing surprisingly well. Mostly trying to distract myself. Watched Across the Universe, bought Kera and the lastest Gothic & Lolita Bible, ate udon/soba for lunch/dinner at the restaraunt nearby, online window shopped...you know. Stuff. Trying not to think about how...solitary I feel. I don't even have a phone right now, guys. I couldn't call anyone even if I wanted too. It's really very srange.

But! Instead of thinking about that I am thinking about clothes! When we were in Shinjuku the Marui Young had a Jesus Diamante store in the basement. Omg. Not as exciting as the LOLITA FLOORS!, but still pretty sweet. I should not look at JD stuff though, cuz if you think Lolita is expensive? Nothing compared to the real himegyaru stuff. But I do love the shoes...like these and these. There were just rows and rows of those shoes. And giant bows and flowery purses and...sigh. But I may talk myself into one of their necklaces. Most of their stuff is absurd, but the necklaces are on par with Loli stuff and nice jewelry is nice jewelry. Like say this or something similar cuz they have a lot along that vein. Not that I need that; I have plenty of cheap fake pearls and crowns.

So...yeah. Skype has been giving Joel and I trouble, which is really disappointing. It was really nice having video and chat. AIM is nice and all, but it's nice to see and here and type. Full experience. You know.

EEEE!!! I just read that a new Angelic Pretty store is opening in Marui Young!! I can totally go to a store opening NEXT FRICKEN SATURDAY!!! I can go see the Gurren Lagann movie and then go to an AP store opening!!! My next weekend just got a whole lot more exciting. :DDD

Well, I'm here. I don't really know what to say except that who knew scrunchies would be big in Japan and oh my god do I miss Joel.

More when I'm not in a hotel.

<3

So, I'm thinking about this summer because I am very bored at work. I wanted to do an internship, but that was going to be hard because neither of the ones I want to do are paid and they are in SF and LA. But! I just realized that I'm going to be an undergraduate for a whole extra year. I can do my internship next summer, just as easily as I could this year. So, now I'm thinking about what I want to do. UCLA offers an intensive intermediate Japanese course that I could take. What is "intensive" you ask? Oh, just being in Japanese class/discussion from 9:00 AM until 1:50 PM with two ten minute breaks and one forty minute break in between, five days a week. I was thinking about doing an internship in addition to this, until I actually looked at the schedule which is omfg intensive. However, getting a whole extra year of Japanese out of the way? A very good idea. I might even be able to take some Chinese my last year, which would look good to the Asian Studies master's programs I will be applying into. I wish I could take a fourth year of Japanese, but we don't even offer it here at Santa Cruz because I wasn't thinking Asian History when I applied. Also! If I go to UCLA for summer school, I can go to Anime Expo, lol, which would be exciting. They have Lolita panels and meet-ups. :)