every september
Sep. 21st, 2018 09:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
emilie_rainbowIt's amazing how like clockwork my depression is. Now that I have apps that show me what I posted on social media on a given day every year it's so easy to see the pattern; August shows a gradual slide and by September I'm dropping out of school, quitting jobs, and languishing in existential pain. Last year was a little less bad, the stress of school gave me something to channel the feelings into and I drank away a lot of the pain. But now I have this strong feeling of "I'm an adult, I need to handle my shit" instead of the soft "it's okay to be sad uwu" I've treated myself to in the past. I probably need to find something in between, because how I'm treating myself now makes me feel like a piece of shit but the kids gloves I used before didn't spur any growth. Of course, that's the other thing you can see this time of year looking back: if I'm not so depressed I can't get out of bed, I have this sense of being stuck, of lacking growth, of stagnating and a strong urge towards self-improvement that is partially just a way to beat myself up just a little bit more. Will I ever be able to focus on self-improvement, not just self-care, in a way that doesn't make me feel like who I am now is awful? I hope so? I hope that's what being a grown up means?
I talked to my dad about depression a little bit last night. It's new for him; a symptom of his Parkinson's. He told me that sometimes he feels like giving up coaching, which is something he loves so much, and it helped me put some stuff in perspective. Hearing someone else say the kind of ridiculous things my depressed brain is saying always helps me realize how silly it sounds. I've been struggling at work, just feeling generally unmotivated and like maybe I can't handle this full time work life, but I LOVE being a librarian. I have so much passion for this line of work, just like my dad does with coaching. So hearing him say that he struggles in the same way...it helped a lot. It helped with perspective.
I talked to my dad about depression a little bit last night. It's new for him; a symptom of his Parkinson's. He told me that sometimes he feels like giving up coaching, which is something he loves so much, and it helped me put some stuff in perspective. Hearing someone else say the kind of ridiculous things my depressed brain is saying always helps me realize how silly it sounds. I've been struggling at work, just feeling generally unmotivated and like maybe I can't handle this full time work life, but I LOVE being a librarian. I have so much passion for this line of work, just like my dad does with coaching. So hearing him say that he struggles in the same way...it helped a lot. It helped with perspective.
